i have a massive problem - deep down i want to become a hermit. socially, a recluse from society, at all times.
this desire has existed in me for a while, and yet i know its not healthy nor ok. but let me ask you this; if you felt the same, what would you do?
i’ve tried going against the grain of this feeling, and yet i always come back thinking, “no, i’m pretty sure i’m right.” id go out of my comfort zone to do a variety of things. from going to bars, or trying things that should be left out of my public blog; attempting to be spontaneous so much so that it’s made me confident of my inner hermit construction.
this might not be a problem in the eyes of many (mine included) but there’s another issue related to it that inspired me to write this blog post, and that is
no, not that stuff in anime that lets the main character win a losing battle. i’m talking about the strength of my friendships when all i want to do is be a recluse.
it’s strange because i’m not exactly socially inept, i can hold conversation and be enjoyable to be around (subjective). but having good friends that last a while, thats tough for me. its hard because i barely want to interact with said friends.
i imagine this is where anyone reading this post becomes confused, and thinks there might be more to explain, but there really isn’t. i just don’t want to talk to my friends except for once every few months.
i know this is selfish. i feel bad that my friends don’t like that i’m reclusive. but its my inner workings, so what’s the alternative? attempting to control a separate me that wants to hang out on the weekends?
however i’ve come to the conclusion recently from talking with my girlfriend that keeping my friends distanced like this is really unfair, and that i should force myself to spend time with friends i care about at least once a month. this makes sense, and is definitely the mature decision that helps my friends understand that i don’t hate them. it really is the simple solution, and i just need to act more responsibly.
if you felt the way i did and just wanted to crawl into an attic space and live there assuming you had good download speeds, then how would you deal about having people you care about?
maybe become an astronaut? to me that sounds wonderful
(short post but wanted to write about it!)